I’m Turning 31

I am not the type of person to broadcast and remind others of my birth date. People who do that, annoy me greatly…  Instead, I prefer a nice, drunken evening with a few select people to share laughter and “coming-of-age” discussions. However, this year I am turning 31 and it feels like the 30th birthday that most people dread. I embraced my 30th with open arms and felt like I could finally be declared an adult who still makes inappropriate decisions. This year, I feel old. I feel like I should celebrate by booking a doctor’s appointment to check my vital signs and run every cancer screening test known to man. It’s depressing.

My boyfriend, DireMole, is a tad older than me and his age feels like my security blanket. He’s in good shape and even though he’ll deny it, he’s able to run a 5k faster than most people who workout regularly. It’s obnoxious and I’m happy for him. This is the first time in my life that I have a boyfriend that pushes me to keep up with him. He doesn’t literally push me, I feel like I have to push myself to stay by his side. And that’s an awesome feeling… Just one reason I adore him. If I can be like him when I grow up, then 31 won’t feel so awful.

256px-Elevator_scene_during_Gangnam_Style_flashmobSo what would be an awful celebration on my birthday? Besides going to the doctor to stress out about possible health conditions, my office has the potential to make my day fairly rotten. The office has a birthday ritual of performing “flash mobs” to sing “happy birthday” to the unfortunate soul who recently aged a year. It’s my team’s pathetic attempt to show employee value. Management gets  excited about surprising the birthday person and acts like it took them ages to plan the perfect flash mob.  However, it’s not much of a surprise because they do it to everyone. For cynics, it’s a battle of wills on how long it takes the birthday person to hide away from their desk before the team captures them and forces them to listen to off-key signing and balloon (or other random birthday props) throwing at their workstation. Typically, the birthday person concedes to the battle, because at some point they have to clock in their work activities for the day. It’s painful to watch, let alone listen to the lackluster moans of “happy birthday”. I’m never an active participant because I generally feel sorry for everyone involved. It’s like a planned train-wreck. Don’t worry, I already planned how I am going to avoid this catastrophe on my birthday.

PLAN A: I will work remotely in another office, update my Lync status to “Do Not Disturb” and periodically take exaggerated bathroom breaks to another floor’s restroom to catch up on my iPhone games.

PLAN B: If they find me, I will look at them in disgust and eloquently share that they got the date wrong by 6 months.

I am dreading this potential experience and sometimes I wonder if I work at a horrible chain restaurant…

All I want for my birthday is to avoid a potential flash mob, embark on a healthy new year with the love of my life, and go out to a restaurant on my Yelp wish list to enjoy an adult beverage or 2, dine on a meal that I wouldn’t attempt to make at home, and order a dessert served without singing. Then, maybe stumble off to a hole in the wall bar to drink into the early morning hours with my closest friends. I hope I’m not asking for much.


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