August Audit

So this month has been kinda fun. Here’s a recap of all the exciting things that happened…

Cletus: She needs a damn vacation. A kidnapping is on the menu this fall because she won’t take a break unless I force her. Also, she has taken in a new stray that is called “Sadie”. That makes it 4 dogs at her casa. I think she needs to quit her job and open up a doggie daycare.

DireMole: He’s working hard on his data, research, and dissertation. I’m really happy to hear all the progress he is making. This weekend we are going fancy-pants shopping to buy him a suit for job interviews. Below is my recommendation for him.

DireMole's potential suit to apply for nutty professor jobs.

DireMole’s potential suit to apply for nutty professor jobs.

LevelUp: I have made a serious amount of oatmeal this month. You would think I was cooking for an army of gnomes. (I have a feeling gnomes eat mostly oatmeal)  Also, I practiced making candles and I hope to have a post about that within the next few weeks. Finally, this weekend DireMole and I are going to try a new IPA recipe. I have dreamed about it for weeks.  Literally.  I have woken up with dreams of making different types of beers and that DireMole owned a brewery next to a stadium.

PirateGoat: She has had a shitty month. But when she wasn’t pooping around the house, she made it to the dog park almost every day. That made her happy because she has new friends to join her pirate crew. Also, she is looking to produce a new TV series for dogs called “Shoes Clues”. It’s a detective-mystery show about what will happen when your humans put on shoes…

SillyGoose: I have stuck to my running plan and started a half-marathon training program. Feeling pretty good about it and posted some of my longest and best running times so far! I have found that running outside in downtown has been full of great story’s. I still get cheers, thumbs up, high-five’s and everything in between. I ran through a Grand Opening ceremony and photo bombed the heck out of it. Also, I crashed a road race. I considered running to the finish line to get a metal or a T-shirt, but I think I will wait and do that another time…it’s now on my bucket-list!

Overall it was a pretty decent month. Next month could be a shit-show… we will see! Lot’s of birthdays in September and a fall-vacation is in the works for October.

 

Pooping-spree

IMG_3262Jalapeno Rubes, the PirateGoat, picked up the poop bug this weekend. And over the past two days I have cleaned our home (non-stop) to get rid of the liquid sharts. The good news?? It hasn’t hit the bed. The bad news? Everything smells like a concoction of  disinfectant and diarrhea.

Poor pup. Her stomach is rumbling and she seems very uncomfortable. DireMole has been on walking and trash duty, even at early morning hours. And I’ve played poop-janitor. It’s been a shitty situation for everyone.

I wish there was a step-by-step guide on how to remove diarrhea from carpeted areas and successfully survive a pooping-spree. Maybe this is my calling?

Current strategy:

  1. Grab handfuls of plastic bags and a trash bag.
  2. Light a few candles to set the mood.
  3. Turn on some “happy music” (My current choice- Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs) and pretend like you haven’t succumbed to dog poop.
  4. Put on your game face!
  5. Kneel over, turn head away from poop like you are giving blood, and scoop up as much diarrhea as possible into a plastic bag.
  6. Dump that nasty bag into the trash bag.
  7. Use pet rug cleaner and saturate the stain.
  8. Bring out the heavy reinforcements with a steam cleaner and spray a 1-foot radius around poop stain(s). Suck that shit up!
  9. Take a deep breath and admire your bravery.
  10. Let dry and then sprinkle vacuum powder all over previously infected area.
  11. Let stand and then vacuum to remove stink.
  12. Air-out rug by either taking it outside or letting  fresh air into the house.
  13. Pat yourself on the back because you just schooled that dog poop.

Well, maybe this isn’t a best method for cleaning squirts. But we are surviving the pooping- spree day-by-day.

A Vacation to Pakistan

My mom’s birthday is coming up. Since I have bittersweet feelings for her, it makes it a challenge and (sometimes) entertaining to gift shop.

Sweet VS. Bitter:

When I’m feeling sweet, I want to buy her stylish accessories so she won’t embarrass me (as much) when I’m in public with her.

When I’m feeling bitter, I would like to give her a book that one reviewer suggested, “..this is the kinda book you would like to give to your mother-in-law while seeing her off on a vacation to Pakistan!” The book,  You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day, just made my birthday shopping experience awesome.

Conclusion:

While scouring Amazon for gift ideas for my mom,  I added You are Worthless and The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances to my own personal wish list. Thank you Amazon for your amazing algorithms to personalize my shopping experience!

In conclusion, sweet outweighed bitter because I bought her something she actually wanted… and I added two new books to my list. WIN- WIN! My mom is getting a new bird feeder that has been reported to favor squirrels and kill birds… don’t ask me. She wanted it and I just read the horrible reviews. Also, no vacations to Pakistan anytime soon.

 

Baked Oatmeal Casserole

What is this amazing-ness?? Oh, it’s what I like to call Baked Oatmeal Casserole and its perfect for weekend breakfasts, using up almost-expired fruit/nuts, and great for leftovers as breakfast-on-the-go. DireMole love’s him some oatmeal, but sometimes it gets boring. So here’s my tip for making oatmeal exciting again! It’s even better as leftovers.

IMG_3214

This weekend I used two bananas, a peach, and some leftover pecans for this dish. Here’s what you need to get started:

  •  1 Cup Rolled Oats
  • 1 Cup Steel Cut Oats
  • 1/2 Cup Nuts (pecans, walnuts, almonds, hazelnuts)
  • 1/2 Cup Dried Fruit (I typically use cranberries or raisins)
  • 1/4 Cup Maple Syrup or Honey
  • Ground Cinnamon (for taste)
  • Sea Salt (for taste)
  • 1 Cup Vanilla SoyMilk
  • 1 Cup Milk (heavier the milk, the creamier the oatmeal)
  • Vanilla Extract (for taste)
  • 1 Egg
  • 1 or 2 Ripe Bananas
  • Other fruit about to go to waste (I typically use peaches, strawberries, blueberries, or apples)

Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees.

Butter the casserole dish, I recommend using a smaller dish to get a denser casserole.

In one bowl mix the dry ingredients: oats, nuts, dried fruit, cinnamon and salt.

In another bowl mix the wet ingredients: Honey/ Maple Syrup, Milk, Egg, and Vanilla.

Slice the bananas into pieces and line the bottom of the casserole dish with the sliced bananas. This is pretty imperative for impressing your foodie friends! Make sure you get it right!  I vary the thickness of my slices just because I get bored.

Dump the Dry Bowl and spread evenly on top of layered bananas.

Dump the Wet Bowl slowly, and evenly over the Dry Bowl ingredients.

Slice fresh fruit (in this example I used peaches) then scatter remaining nuts (I used pecans) and sliced fresh fruit on top.

Bake for 40 mins. until bubbly and golden. IMG_3213

If you aren’t watching calories, drizzle melted butter and honey/maple syrup on top. Enjoy! I didn’t do it, but you could, and that would be really awesome for you. IMG_3215

 

LevelUp:+1 Making Oatmeal More Exciting and Tasty, +1 For Even Better Leftovers, +1 Using Ripe Bananas for Something Else Besides Bread and Pancakes, +1 Point for Culinary Masterpieces, +1 Point for Re-purposing Leftovers

IMG_3216

It’s That Time of Year

It’s that time of the year when traffic gets craptastic and back-to-school sales overrun rational intentions. The other day I saw an online ad promoting back-to-school cars. Apparently, some asshole-families feel the need to get a brand new car to one up other carpoolers. Sounds pretty obnoxious in my opinion.

A creepy one uper family.

A creepy, one uper family sporting their new ride.

This scenario became real when I was walking my obese Australian Shepherd past a neighbor’s home. A bratty-looking kid came whaling out of the garage and assumed driving position in the brand new minivan. My initial thought was he is going to back up over me and my overfed pup. I felt for sure there wouldn’t be enough time for the two of us to get out-of-the-way before we were flattened by this immature-driver.  But then, I saw the father nearby. As I looked further, I realized they were installing a garage-door receiver for their I’m not-so-cool-anymore, sell-out van. The dad had asked his bratty kid to jump into the car and hit the button while he was installing the receiver. The paper tag plastered on the window was a dead giveaway that this car was straight-off-the-lot. And by the looks of things, they were very proud of their new vehicle… All the while I was thinking, “dude, your life is over”.

My Dog Sharts the Bed

PirateGoat sharts the bed and pretends like it wasn’t her. This has occured almost 5 times since we  moved in with DireMole. I have never seen it physically happen but I know it does because I’m apart of the clean-up team.

1402685467211762PirateGoat sleeps on DireMole’s side of the bed so I have been lucky  to avoid the sharts. The only thing we can determine is that PirateGoat sharts in her sleep and has no recollection that it happened. Which makes it a challenge to punish her… or to get a confession on who pooped the bed??? Was it DireMole? Was it Me? or… Was it PirateGoat? Based on fecal-size and the scene of its appearance, it seems that PirateGoat is guilty. Plus, she can’t defend herself.

This weekend I was changing the sheets (I do this at least weekly) and low- and- behold I found a dried, shart nugget. Gross! It gets me every time. It was confiscated from the bottom of DireMole’s side of the bed… typically, where the little butt-pirate sleeps. I consider it lucky when I find it dried and not smeared. DireMole hasn’t been so lucky. So there’s that. All I know is that DireMole must really love me if he’s willing to sleep next to my sharting dog.

 

Sweaty Pig Adventures

What does it mean when random strangers cheer me on while I run past them? “Keep going fat ass… Get rid of those flapping muffin tops! ” OR are they just really good, encouraging people? Who’s to say that calling me a ‘fat-ass’ and pointing out my muffin tops isn’t supportive?FatRunner It’s like, “Oh, hey, yea, you noticed them too? Yea, you’re right…I should keep haulin’ ass.”

Do people cheer on skinny people during their daily workout?

Cletus told me to shut up, but then admitted that she “secretly cheers on fat women painfully running on her commute to work”.  So there’s that… Thanks Cletus.

I’m rotten. I guess I think the negative of people before the positive. Or, I’m just horribly insecure.

111871-oI’ve been sticking to my running plan and looking forward to my athletic excursions. I consider this a major-breakthrough and achievment. However, every time I go for a run outdoors within the past week, I’m encouraged by a passerby. The first time I got two thumbs up and a big grin. The second time a guy was yelling “KEEP GOING!

The last time a stranger interrupted my running-karma was yesterday. He asked me if I could take his picture with the city’s skyline in the background. Actually, it was a good site for a photo… but I wouldn’t be the type of person you would want to flag down and touch your fancy photo equipment. I mean it was 97 degrees, full-on humidity and I was sweating from places that I didn’t know could drip sweat. He apologized for making me stop but proceeded to pose (sometimes awkwardly) for multiple captions. I hope he had a towel to clean his camera from my grubby fingers.

It’s been a good week of getting fit and receiving positive encouragement from strangers.

Stolen Bar Pints

I brought a touch of class to work with me today. As I was rummaging through my very large, hobo-styled purse to get settled in to work, I realized that I had forgotten to remove the stolen pint glass that I lifted from one of our favorite watering holes… It was shameful. A stinky, dried beer smell was lingering in my purse and I had absolutely no clue until I sat down at my desk. Hope my co-workers didn’t see my amazement and disappointment as I glared down at my purse.

Good thing I didn’t get pulled over on my way to work…would have have been a violation of an open container???

Don’t judge me for taking a pint glass from a bar…  I didn’t do it to be mean-spirited. I just wanted a glass with a goose on it from a company that makes decent beer… and I was pretty drunk when I did it. I didn’t even remember doing it until I found the artifact buried in my purse from two-days later!

Class-act. Nothing says professionalism like bringing a used and stolen beer glass to work. Happy Tuesday!