Sometimes I think that I’m just not meant to be in a long-term relationship. I would say there is an equal part of me that fantasizes about this happy, obnoxious relationship. The other part of me that fantasizes about being a hybrid professional female bad-ass/world explorer that seeks an internal nirvana while putting relationships in their time/place within my journeys.
I like protecting myself from being under someone’s control. When I start feeling like my control is threatened, I push back. I try to question why I feel the way that I feel and consider if this is a temporary issue or apart of a bigger problem.
Over the weekend I realized that Fitz and I have a bigger problem. From what I can access, it’s not something that will go away. We handle things fundamentally differently and the way he goes about his friendships stresses me out. I tried to stay patient and hide my feelings. But all that did was cause me to not eat, excessively drink, not sleep, and become depressed. Something that is so simple for him wrecks havoc on my well-being. It’s not intentional on his part and it’s not fair for either of us. I don’t want to deny him his simple pleasures. But I can’t emotionally and physically handle it. I have become angry and resentful. Which makes me feel awful because I don’t want to be like that…
I want to run away from this relationship, this small-minded city, and my stupid job. Get things back into control. Live my life and stop holding off my goals until he accomplishes his. I wrote down my 3 issues on a sheet of paper and carry them with me as a reminder to reconsider, to reassess, to over-analyze… and at the bottom I posed the question, Where do we go from here? What’s next?
I just don’t know and I don’t think I should be the only one solving the question.