Desktop Wallpaper

Don’t you want to make this your desktop wallpaper? Because that’s immediately what I thought when I saw it…I’m completely serious.

Wallpaper

Each time you close down your windows your like “Ah! WTF?” I added the friendly little captions to make it even more delightful…
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Automagically.

It drives me nuts when coworkers think that computers perform “magic”. At a touch of a button it happens… Auto-magically! It’s one thing to overhear their moronic conversations, it’s another to conversate with them about auto-magical functions.

I’ve discovered that it’s an art to try to speak to them in a language that they can relate to, and not feel alienated.


I had to talk to Cletus for a sanity check… here’s how that went:

Me: So they say “behind-the-scenes” like it’s a fucking magic show. Why can’t they say ‘backend’ when they refer to a (SQL) database?

Cletus: Well, maybe “behind the scenes” is a concept they understand. I don’t know… ‘backend’ to what? A horse’s ass?

Me: Yes, backend. A horse’s backend. We take your data and shove it up a horse’s ass. When it poops, we make reports!

Cletus: Yes, it literally shits out reports.

Me: Lit-er-ally.

Cletus: We just cram it all up there.

Me:  I’m imagining a horse in a server room just shitting everywhere…

Cletus: …With its tail wagging around.

Me: It’s automagical.

 

56819062.HORSESASS

Saty. Yes, that’s how it’s spelled.

IMG_3326Cletus has a new member to add to Jalapeno’s Pirate Army, Saty. Saty was delivered to Cletus and her husband’s home  because they already have too many dogs and everyone in their neighborhood just assumes all dogs belong to them. Cletus immediately began to look for Saty’s original home and family. Flyers went up, social media posts broadcasted her picture, and she had a trip with the vet for a microchip inspection. No one claimed her and all attempts have failed so far. It’s become obvious that this house-trained and sweet dog was purposely missing.

imagesWeeks have gone by and now Saty has a name that she doesn’t respond to. She was named “Saty” because Cletus thinks that she looks like a Satyr (demonic goat) from World of Warcraft. (Who plays WOW anymore???) I think she looks like Yoda. Which I’m not sure is much better on your “Geek Scale”.

I’m pretty sure that Saty is an atheist and originally from Florida. Aligar_the_TormentorI think she escaped Orange County, FL to share the Satanic Temple’s religious materials with children in other states. Cletus’ house is just a stop-over on her mission to share “The Satanic Children’s BIG BOOK of Activities“. I could be wrong, but between the Satyr and Yoda similarities, this could be the “happy medium”.

Anyway you look at it, Cletus now has 4 dogs and a ton of atheist coloring books.

It’s That Time of Year

It’s that time of the year when traffic gets craptastic and back-to-school sales overrun rational intentions. The other day I saw an online ad promoting back-to-school cars. Apparently, some asshole-families feel the need to get a brand new car to one up other carpoolers. Sounds pretty obnoxious in my opinion.

A creepy one uper family.

A creepy, one uper family sporting their new ride.

This scenario became real when I was walking my obese Australian Shepherd past a neighbor’s home. A bratty-looking kid came whaling out of the garage and assumed driving position in the brand new minivan. My initial thought was he is going to back up over me and my overfed pup. I felt for sure there wouldn’t be enough time for the two of us to get out-of-the-way before we were flattened by this immature-driver.  But then, I saw the father nearby. As I looked further, I realized they were installing a garage-door receiver for their I’m not-so-cool-anymore, sell-out van. The dad had asked his bratty kid to jump into the car and hit the button while he was installing the receiver. The paper tag plastered on the window was a dead giveaway that this car was straight-off-the-lot. And by the looks of things, they were very proud of their new vehicle… All the while I was thinking, “dude, your life is over”.

This bird is NOT HAVING ANY OF IT.

Cletus feels like Mr.McScreamy today… and most days when she’s at work. Actually, I want to buy Mr.McScreamy so he can drown out my coworker’s loud, obnoxious talking about inappropriate things.

The Bloggess

We can’t get any more pets because we’re not responsible enough, so instead on weekends we go to shelters or pet stores to snuggle with the animals that no one else wants to snuggle with, like weird-looking dogs or cats who are missing limbs.  Even the weirdest animals eventually find a home but I’m not so sure about this one:

That is a parrot screaming at the top of his lungs.  There was a sign on his cage that said “See pet counselor for assistance” and I thought it was good that this bird had a counselor because it seemed like he was in real need of therapy.

I waved a clerk over and I was like, “Hey.  I think your bird is dying” and he said, “No.  He just does that for attention,” as if it was the 80,000th time he’d had to explain that.  And it probably was because a few minutes later another couple was like…

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Floaters

I was in a state of turmoil by 3 signs that were daunting my activities.  The only conclusion I have made is that satire can be motivational.  So, what was the revelation for this week’s post? Special snowflakes that need these particular signs to survive.

The other day I was stopped by this inspirational posterindex. It’s kinda catchy… a big goldfish, sparkles, and a tantalizing water-filled oasis.  At first glance, I was uninspired and thought that it was a sad attempt to motivate me. Then after consideration, I realized may not have been the prime audience for this magnificent piece. I tried to determine what type of person looks at this poster, relates to the flying fish, and then marches off ready to seize the day. Truthfully, I’m more inspired by Mishka. Every time I watch Mishka’s break-through video I’m motivated to drop what I’m doing to train the PirateGoat. Why can’t there be more Mishka inspirational posters? Anyway, back to the flying fish…. the more I studied this rare specimen,  the more I realized that this poster was a satire. The flying fish is suicidal. He has leapt out of the water and is on a one-way train to a slow and miserable death. How is he a winner? To make matter’s worse, this poster was proudly posted outside the HR office. This satire became much more real. Well- played, inspirational-poster, well-played.

You would think I was skipping back to my desk after that little number. However, I had the urge to pee. Maybe it was induced from staring into the fish bowl? Doesn’t really matter… when I visited by my own fish bowl at my favorite office-bathroom stall, I got trapped in with this little beauty.20140624_085026

CRAP! When did HR  get an increase in their motivational-poster budget? Has HR identified that there is a serious poop problem? Which is going to kill me first, a co-worker who uses poop paperclips or working myself into despair and jumping off the building?  Hopefully, this bathroom decor has served its purpose to the swamp-creature colleague who isn’t fooling anyone by running water through their fingers . Use the damn soap!!! That flying goldfish poster is beginning to look better and better. We need to move the ‘winner” fish poster to a more prominent location in the office, like the front door, to distract us with a glimmer of hope from the viral poop invasion that may be organizing an attack in the next 24 hours.

While trying to avoid my worries of work-related fatalities (I was relieved that feces was not on OSHA’s Top 10 of 2012 violated standards. However, “Fall Protection” was ranked 1st so I’m going to look into that further. ) no-long-breath-holding-sign-k-9904 I decided to relax by a pool and catch up on some summer reading. I looked up from my book and felt reassured that I truly was a Champion of the Human Race. The homeowner’s association must have had funds left over from last year and felt that this sign was a necessity. “No Long Breath Holding”… do we seriously need a reminder for that? Honestly, if you are dumb enough to hold your breath underwater for an extended period of time that you begin to cause harm, then you are obviously a “winner who exceeded expectations” and we should replace that flying goldfish with your beaming smile of accomplishment.

I sincerely want to thank the 3 signs that have made my day complete. In your weird and twisted-way, you have motivated me to not work myself to death and jump from the office building, to wash my hands to avoid the poop invasion, and that I am not capable of being a fish for the long-term. I still haven’t determined the intended audience for these signs, but they must be some really special snowflakes.