Jumping into Walls

Yesterday’s trip to the dog park was notable. PirateGoat pulled all sorts of epic fails and it seemed suitable to mention in the blog.

We started our stroll to the dog park and approached a stone wall that appears to have been a foundation for a building. At its highest point it’s about 4ft. tall and then merges into the sidewalk. PirateGoat usually jumps the wall around the 2ft. mark and proceeds to walk on the grass until it merges into the sidewalk. But yesterday she was feeling adventurous and decided to jump  at the 4ft. mark and completely missed. She clotheslined herself and it was awesome. DireMole attempted to save her from her epic fail, but she still ate it. PirateGoat brushed it off and pretended like she didn’t throw herself into the wall. So we kept walking to the park…

If PirateGoat was Human

As we approached the park, PirateGoat spit up her dinner. She brushed that off too and kept marching to the dog park. After running with some of her 4-legged friends, attempting to play fetch,  and pooping twice…we decided it was time to head home.

PirateGoat uses her hound nose to smell edible (preferably chicken bones) before her humans can spot them. She knows that if her humans can pull it out of her mouth they will. To prevent that from happening, she tries to inhale all edible items before her humans ram their hands in her mouth. But not yesterday… On our way home PirateGoat smelled a chicken bone and began wolfing it down. However, the bone got lodged in the roof of her mouth and she began to panic. She was biting at thin air hoping to dislodge it and swallow it before the humans could grab it out of her mouth. Cars stopped to watch the spectacle. I’m holding her down, Pirate is showing fangs and biting, and Dire is putting his hands in her mouth as she’s chomping. Dire pries the bone from the roof of her mouth and chucks it across the street. Pirate seemed troubled that she lost the bone in an uncomfortable situation, and manages to walk home without any other notable events.

Just another day walking the dog…



IMG_3262Jalapeno Rubes, the PirateGoat, picked up the poop bug this weekend. And over the past two days I have cleaned our home (non-stop) to get rid of the liquid sharts. The good news?? It hasn’t hit the bed. The bad news? Everything smells like a concoction of  disinfectant and diarrhea.

Poor pup. Her stomach is rumbling and she seems very uncomfortable. DireMole has been on walking and trash duty, even at early morning hours. And I’ve played poop-janitor. It’s been a shitty situation for everyone.

I wish there was a step-by-step guide on how to remove diarrhea from carpeted areas and successfully survive a pooping-spree. Maybe this is my calling?

Current strategy:

  1. Grab handfuls of plastic bags and a trash bag.
  2. Light a few candles to set the mood.
  3. Turn on some “happy music” (My current choice- Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs) and pretend like you haven’t succumbed to dog poop.
  4. Put on your game face!
  5. Kneel over, turn head away from poop like you are giving blood, and scoop up as much diarrhea as possible into a plastic bag.
  6. Dump that nasty bag into the trash bag.
  7. Use pet rug cleaner and saturate the stain.
  8. Bring out the heavy reinforcements with a steam cleaner and spray a 1-foot radius around poop stain(s). Suck that shit up!
  9. Take a deep breath and admire your bravery.
  10. Let dry and then sprinkle vacuum powder all over previously infected area.
  11. Let stand and then vacuum to remove stink.
  12. Air-out rug by either taking it outside or letting  fresh air into the house.
  13. Pat yourself on the back because you just schooled that dog poop.

Well, maybe this isn’t a best method for cleaning squirts. But we are surviving the pooping- spree day-by-day.

My Dog Sharts the Bed

PirateGoat sharts the bed and pretends like it wasn’t her. This has occured almost 5 times since we  moved in with DireMole. I have never seen it physically happen but I know it does because I’m apart of the clean-up team.

1402685467211762PirateGoat sleeps on DireMole’s side of the bed so I have been lucky  to avoid the sharts. The only thing we can determine is that PirateGoat sharts in her sleep and has no recollection that it happened. Which makes it a challenge to punish her… or to get a confession on who pooped the bed??? Was it DireMole? Was it Me? or… Was it PirateGoat? Based on fecal-size and the scene of its appearance, it seems that PirateGoat is guilty. Plus, she can’t defend herself.

This weekend I was changing the sheets (I do this at least weekly) and low- and- behold I found a dried, shart nugget. Gross! It gets me every time. It was confiscated from the bottom of DireMole’s side of the bed… typically, where the little butt-pirate sleeps. I consider it lucky when I find it dried and not smeared. DireMole hasn’t been so lucky. So there’s that. All I know is that DireMole must really love me if he’s willing to sleep next to my sharting dog.


My Dog is a Pirate

Have you ever attended a leadership workshop led by a group of Somalian pirates? Honestly, I didn’t even know pirates had a workforce and leadership development initiative.  So there you go… you learn something new everyday. Ok, here’s another one… maybe, you have a pet or know of a pet who has converted to Judaism? This is also a “thing”. Recently, I watched a movie about a cat who was considering Judaism and my friend proudly owns a book on How to Raise a Jewish Dog even though she’s a Catholic. She’s just being considerate and supportive to her dog’s needs.

20140702-081844-29924474.jpgAbout a year ago, DireMole and I discovered that Jalapeno Rubes (“jalapeño” is pronounced with a heavy J- pretend you are an ignorant hick at a Mexican restaurant) is a Somalian pirate. We really don’t know how this happened but she apparently leads a pirate crew that extends across multiple states. Her crew consists of other crazies and 4-legged misfits that have a natural disposition to wreak havoc. Though she offers protection to her closest human-friends, her pirate parties are destructive to her human-friend’s property.

After she secured her captain-ship title,  she hosted an all-expenses-paid leadership 20140702-081843-29923104.jpgdevelopment workshop at Cletus’ house. “Tootles-da-Clown” led team-building exercises that included kidnapping a Somalian fisherman and posting ransom. Also, the leadership team had to pledge their loyalties to Jalapeno Rubes by eating jalapeño peppers (pronounce “jalapeño peppers” like you have some culture and education) and successfully completing re-decorating missions to Cletus’ home. For example, Suge Knight pronounced her loyalty to Jalapeno Rubes and the pirate crew by eating not 1, but 2 jalapeño peppers. She was later promoted to Chief Interrogator, proof is in the pictures.

After the weekend retreat, Cletus’ house was re-decorated with new artwork hanging on the walls, 20140702-081840-29920540.jpgcreepy clowns hiding in cabinets, holiday reindeer lighting u20140702-081838-29918528.jpgp the rooms, glitter sparkling down from the ceiling fans, and other bizarre trinkets strategically placed around the home. Jala had no plans to put Cletus’ house back to the way she found it. In fact, Jala was proud of her leadership team’s accomplishments and wanted to show the hard work that the team put into the home makeover.  She was very hopeful that Cletus would appreciate their efforts.

Except there were lots of problems in Jala’s plan…Cletus hates creepy clowns and her husband hates turning on the ceiling fan to get doused in glitter. Also, it turns out that they weren’t excited to find 8 dead goldfish in their bathtub. Jalapeno Rubes didn’t realize she was supposed to treat the water. Rubes had good intentions… she supplied Cletus with a year supply of fish food.


Jalapeno Rubes checking on her goldfish installment.

The Welcoming Committee hanging in the garage with a note of demands.

The Welcoming Committee hanging in the garage with a note of demands.

Moral of the story, Jalapeno Rubes is not responsible  as a pet-goldfish owner but she makes a fabulous pirate captain. On another note, DireMole and SillyGoose are not to be trusted when you expect them to house- and pet- sit. A year later, Cletus and her husband have kept most of the decorations in their original place and have invited DireMole and SillyGoose to dog-sit again. What does that say about them?

Now you know the beginning of the “PirateGoat”. I haven’t come across any self-help books on “piratery” or how to successfully raise a pirate pet,  but I support my  fur-baby’s decision to “come out” as a pirate. It suits her well.