Christmas Gift Inspiration

Today I was inspired by a DIY gift idea that I can give my coworkers. It seems like every other day we have another social event… holiday potluck, ugly sweater lunch party, secret Santa week, company Christmas party, holiday happy hour, and so forth. I just hope I can show a sliver of appreciation for all the non-stop bullshit I’ve had to avoid.

So to show my appreciation, I plan on wrapping up gently used food items to share with the bozos at work. Since DireMole and I are going out-of-town for an extended holiday break and I don’t want our food to go to waste, this is the perfect solution!

And of course I expect a similar reaction from my colleagues as the kids in this video. They seem to have similar mentalities and maturity-levels.

Here you go Anna, you can have my half eaten tomato salsa. And for you Tony, you get this tortilla that I found in the back of my fridge! Craig gets the egg! Better put that puppy in the fridge unless you want it to go bad. Of course I would wrap the gifts in festive paper or gift bags to put forth that extra effort. You’re so very welcome! …and Happy Holidays!

 

 

I want to Fart on Office Potlucks

A slew of emails went out this week notifying staff of the annual Thanksgiving potluck lunch. We are all familiar with this tradition… Company pays for the meat and colleagues bring in all the fixings. A sign up sheet gets posted in the main break room and everyone notices who is cheap, who thinks they can cook and wants bragging rights, who slacks by opting for the donation-option, and all the other amusings between.

It’s the holiday tradition in most offices and I just want to fart on it, around it, and pretty much all over it. I absolutely disgust potlucks and people’s behavior resulting from potlucks.

The following scenarios will happen:

1. Person with food allergies/sensitivities– Awkwardly singled out for either bringing their own food or nitpicking everyone else’s dish to make a federal case out of their dilemma.

2. “Chef” competitions– Who’s grandma has the best recipe for sweet potato casserole? What’s the ‘secret’ ingredient in her bean casserole? Is it farts? Because it looks like shit. But we all know that there will be some sort of rivalry over the food categories. The pies, the potatoes, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce… Someone’s side will go faster than someone else’s in the same category. There will be a winner. And there will be a loser. And the drama will continue throughout the rest of the year. Yay!

3. The overachiever vs. the underachiever– Everyone was given the option to bring a side, utensils/cups, or donate financially. Someone will show up with a $1 bottle of soda or a box of pop-tarts. They may even go back for thirds to stretch their dollar for that extra lap around the table. Technically, they found the loophole to the $10 donation rule…. And then there’s the person who decided to bring in the over-the-top lobster souffle. They brag about the fancy cream and cheeses they handcrafted over the weekend to include in their dish. They spent hours and a significant amount of money to show off their side. And…they will be pissed about the guy who brought the bag of marshmallows and 4 canisters of Tupperware for leftovers….

4. Food Preservation is Nonexistent– There will be a huge spread of food. Then after the first 10 people have laid their eyes and hands on the buffet , the spread will begin to look like a pack of rats attacked it. The food will become unappetizing and picked over. Someone ate all the edges of the casserole or ate the middle of the pie. The only pieces left are oddly shaped crumbs. How did it get to this point? Or the food has sat at room temperature that now it’s lukewarm jello slop and cold mashed potatoes. Yum! Totally worth the calories… I’m sure of it.

5. Surprise!– Someone will get socially manhandled into putting something on their plate that they didn’t want because the cook forced them. Or, you thought the corn looked kosher but after that one bite you are left scrambling for a napkin to spit into. Your left thinking “This tastes like shit!” While forced to hold a big smile on your face because the chef is fishing for compliments. Yay!

And more reasons on why I will not participate:

6. The Infectious– Have you taken a good look at your co-workers? We all know of someone in our office that tends to skip on washing their hands after using the restroom. Or maybe you share a wall with the “cat-lady”. She has 4 cats, her cube is decorated with cat-attire, and when she can slip a kitty-pic, she will. But after work she goes home… to her cat-infested house. And her kitchen looks like? You can only imagine.  Do you really want to eat something from your zombie-looking co-worker who suffered a bout of mono over the past 3 months? Just consider it before you take that first bite.

7. Gone Postal– Again, have you taken a good look at your co-workers? Have you pegged the person that is “Most-Likely to Go Postal”? I have. And I’ve also planned my escape if/when they do. A potluck could be their most ideal time to go nutty. Maybe a little sprinkle in the mashed potatoes? NO THANK YOU!

8. The “I Wife-d Her Guy”– He’s a tool and is completely incapable of cooking. Maybe the grill, but that’s  questionable. So he opts out of creating anything for the potluck and signs his wife up to do the chore. His topic of conversation is all about how he got his wife to bake cupcakes. It’s borderline demeaning and it slowly approaches inappropriate sexist remarks when his immature buddies join him. These guys get forced to eat his wife’s cupcakes while swapping stories about their own wife’s cooking excursions. I truly wish that this guy’s wife walks in to the office and begins flipping tables. That would be a memorable potluck.

9. Brainwashing and Forced Socialization– The real reason for office wide potlucks is because someone in management decided it was a good idea and it may boost morale. They lied and they were wrong.

10. Other people feel the same. Google it. This entire post has been scattered with links to other people’s disdain for potlucks. I say we walk in to the next potluck, lay a fart, blame it on the asshole who brought in cabbage and walk out.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Sometimes I think that I’m just not meant to be in a long-term relationship. I would say there is an equal part of me that  fantasizes about this happy, obnoxious relationship. The other part of me that fantasizes about being a  hybrid professional female bad-ass/world explorer that seeks an internal nirvana while putting relationships in their time/place within my journeys.

I like protecting myself from being under someone’s control. When I start feeling like my control is threatened, I push back. I try to question why I feel the way that I feel and consider if this is a temporary issue or apart of a bigger problem.

Over the weekend I realized that Fitz and I have a bigger problem. From what I can access, it’s not something that will go away. We handle things fundamentally differently and the way he goes about his friendships stresses me out. I tried to stay patient and hide  my feelings. But all that did was cause me to not eat, excessively drink, not sleep, and become depressed. Something that is so simple for him wrecks havoc on my well-being. It’s not intentional on his part and it’s not fair for either of us. I don’t want to deny him his simple pleasures. But I can’t emotionally and physically handle it.  I have become angry and resentful. Which makes me feel awful because I don’t want to be like that…

I want to run away from this relationship, this small-minded city, and my stupid job. Get things back into control. Live my life and stop holding off  my goals until he accomplishes his. I wrote down my 3 issues on a sheet of paper and carry them with me as a reminder to reconsider, to reassess, to over-analyze… and at the bottom I posed the question, Where do we go from here? What’s next?

I just don’t know and I don’t think I should be the only one solving the question.

September Survey

Well, it’s time for the monthly round-up. September flew by and I’m really looking forward to October’s fall weather. Here’s a brief survey of what happened in our September.

Cletus: She embarked on a new chapter in life this month, Cletus is 30! To go with her new grays, Cletus dyed her hair in streaks of Violet Red or Red Violet… something like that… It looks magenta-ish and in the light it glares pink under her dirty-blond locks. I’m impressed with her bold move to symbolically “come out” to her coworkers that she’s really a super weirdo. In addition, Cletus has a Yoda-looking dog, Saty, that is seeking a forever home.

DireMole: Have you ever felt  lucky to have time to be with someone? And, wished that you would have met earlier so you could have MORE time with them??? Because that’s exactly how I feel about Dire. He’s awesome and we have a lot of fun together. We just get one another. Fitz is chugging along with his research and  has applied to many positions. Soon he’ll be a jet-setter, flying all over the country for interviews. It’s only a matter of time!

LevelUp: We brewed beer this month! A dry-hopped IPA has been bottled in our kitchen and now we are awaiting the tasty results. PirateGoat has gotten her share of dog treats from the spent grain, and so have her Pirate friends.

PirateGoat: Jalapeno Rubes had a fairly uneventful month outside of receiving two new outfits. She got a  NFL jersey to wear on game day for her favorite team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Also, when she’s feeling festive we dress her up in her Pretty Pirate Princess (PPP) tutu. It’s a black, sparkly dress with  a skull and cross-bones logo in the middle. The tutu makes her look moronic and makes us look evil for dressing her up in such a ridiculous outfit.

SillyGoose: This month I had the pleasure to flick off a motorist who insisted on talking  on her phone while driving so she could roll over 3 pedestrians with her car. Luckily, we gave her the right away so we could remain intact. Also, I’m very pleased with my running endurance. I’ve been able to run a few long runs over an hour-long, for 6+miles. That’s the best I’ve done in years.

Right now, I’m looking forward to our trip to Portland in October and taking a break from my idiotic co-workers for a few days. Maybe I will be militant and force them to look at all my pictures and give me compliments after I get back. HEE HEE (evil laugh).

 

We Had The Right Away

Yesterday, I went for a short run to continue with my militant running plan. As I was running down the sidewalk, I saw two cyclists heading towards me who were also on the sidewalk. We were synchronized to cross the intersection at the same time. Obviously seeing each other in the near distance, we religiously picked our side of the sidewalk to pass. The walking sign was in our favor and we proceeded accordingly. As we approached the intersection it became clear that a small white car was not interested in slowing down into a turn to let the pedestrians cross the street. For whatever reason I decided to continue on my path. The bikers continued on as well. It was a social agreement that we saw in each others eyes… this turd of a car will have to stop or it’s taking us all out.

As car approached us, I saw that the driver was a girl, sporting big shades, and using one hand to hold her phone next to her head. Obviously distracted, she continued to speed up to try to beat the three of us to the intersection. And then something happened. A natural reaction kicked in and with an Olympic-like stride, I lifted my hand in an winner’s fashion and gave her the best middle finger salute one could offer. I’m not sure, but I may have included a verbal Fuck You to go with it. Which seemed appropriate for the situation. I continued with my stride and made it to the other side of the road while the one cyclist gave me a big grin that followed with a “You right, girl.” The other cyclist told me “You made my day.” The rush-hour traffic at the intersection saw my diffidence against the stupid twit driver and I think I made their day as well. I was satisfied. As I continued running I thought, “You can take the girl out of the North, but you can’t take the North out of the girl.”

Pooping-spree

Jalapeno Rubes, the PirateGoat, picked up the poop bug this weekend. And over the past two days I have cleaned our home (non-stop) to get rid of the liquid sharts. The good news?? It hasn’t hit the bed. The bad news? Everything smells like a concoction of  disinfectant and diarrhea.

Poor pup. Her stomach is rumbling and she seems very uncomfortable. DireMole has been on walking and trash duty, even at early morning hours. And I’ve played poop-janitor. It’s been a shitty situation for everyone.

I wish there was a step-by-step guide on how to remove diarrhea from carpeted areas and successfully survive a pooping-spree. Maybe this is my calling?

Current strategy:

1. Grab handfuls of plastic bags and a trash bag.
2. Light a few candles to set the mood.
3. Turn on some “happy music” (My current choice- Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs) and pretend like you haven’t succumbed to dog poop.
4. Put on your game face!
5. Kneel over, turn head away from poop like you are giving blood, and scoop up as much diarrhea as possible into a plastic bag.
6. Dump that nasty bag into the trash bag.
7. Use pet rug cleaner and saturate the stain.
8. Bring out the heavy reinforcements with a steam cleaner and spray a 1-foot radius around poop stain(s). Suck that shit up!
9. Take a deep breath and admire your bravery.
10. Let dry and then sprinkle vacuum powder all over previously infected area.
11. Let stand and then vacuum to remove stink.
12. Air-out rug by either taking it outside or letting  fresh air into the house.
13. Pat yourself on the back because you just schooled that dog poop.

Well, maybe this isn’t a best method for cleaning squirts. But we are surviving the pooping- spree day-by-day.

A Vacation to Pakistan

My mom’s birthday is coming up. Since I have bittersweet feelings for her, it makes it a challenge and (sometimes) entertaining to gift shop.

Sweet VS. Bitter:

When I’m feeling sweet, I want to buy her stylish accessories so she won’t embarrass me (as much) when I’m in public with her.

When I’m feeling bitter, I would like to give her a book that one reviewer suggested, “..this is the kinda book you would like to give to your mother-in-law while seeing her off on a vacation to Pakistan!” The book,  You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day, just made my birthday shopping experience awesome.

Conclusion:

While scouring Amazon for gift ideas for my mom,  I added You are Worthless and The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances to my own personal wish list. Thank you Amazon for your amazing algorithms to personalize my shopping experience!

In conclusion, sweet outweighed bitter because I bought her something she actually wanted… and I added two new books to my list. WIN- WIN! My mom is getting a new bird feeder that has been reported to favor squirrels and kill birds… don’t ask me. She wanted it and I just read the horrible reviews. Also, no vacations to Pakistan anytime soon.

 

Baked Oatmeal Casserole

What is this amazing-ness?? Oh, it’s what I like to call Baked Oatmeal Casserole and its perfect for weekend breakfasts, using up almost-expired fruit/nuts, and great for leftovers as breakfast-on-the-go. DireMole love’s him some oatmeal, but sometimes it gets boring. So here’s my tip for making oatmeal exciting again! It’s even better as leftovers.

This weekend I used two bananas, a peach, and some leftover pecans for this dish. Here’s what you need to get started:

•  1 Cup Rolled Oats
• 1 Cup Steel Cut Oats
• 1/2 Cup Nuts (pecans, walnuts, almonds, hazelnuts)
• 1/2 Cup Dried Fruit (I typically use cranberries or raisins)
• 1/4 Cup Maple Syrup or Honey
• Ground Cinnamon (for taste)
• Sea Salt (for taste)
• 1 Cup Vanilla SoyMilk
• 1 Cup Milk (heavier the milk, the creamier the oatmeal)
• Vanilla Extract (for taste)
• 1 Egg
• 1 or 2 Ripe Bananas
• Other fruit about to go to waste (I typically use peaches, strawberries, blueberries, or apples)

Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees.

Butter the casserole dish, I recommend using a smaller dish to get a denser casserole.

In one bowl mix the dry ingredients: oats, nuts, dried fruit, cinnamon and salt.

In another bowl mix the wet ingredients: Honey/ Maple Syrup, Milk, Egg, and Vanilla.

Slice the bananas into pieces and line the bottom of the casserole dish with the sliced bananas. This is pretty imperative for impressing your foodie friends! Make sure you get it right!  I vary the thickness of my slices just because I get bored.

Dump the Dry Bowl and spread evenly on top of layered bananas.

Dump the Wet Bowl slowly, and evenly over the Dry Bowl ingredients.

Slice fresh fruit (in this example I used peaches) then scatter remaining nuts (I used pecans) and sliced fresh fruit on top.

Bake for 40 mins. until bubbly and golden.

If you aren’t watching calories, drizzle melted butter and honey/maple syrup on top. Enjoy! I didn’t do it, but you could, and that would be really awesome for you.

 

LevelUp:+1 Making Oatmeal More Exciting and Tasty, +1 For Even Better Leftovers, +1 Using Ripe Bananas for Something Else Besides Bread and Pancakes, +1 Point for Culinary Masterpieces, +1 Point for Re-purposing Leftovers

Sweaty Pig Adventures

What does it mean when random strangers cheer me on while I run past them? “Keep going fat ass… Get rid of those flapping muffin tops! ” OR are they just really good, encouraging people? Who’s to say that calling me a ‘fat-ass’ and pointing out my muffin tops isn’t supportive? It’s like, “Oh, hey, yea, you noticed them too? Yea, you’re right…I should keep haulin’ ass.”

Do people cheer on skinny people during their daily workout?

Cletus told me to shut up, but then admitted that she “secretly cheers on fat women painfully running on her commute to work”.  So there’s that… Thanks Cletus.

I’m rotten. I guess I think the negative of people before the positive. Or, I’m just horribly insecure.

I’ve been sticking to my running plan and looking forward to my athletic excursions. I consider this a major-breakthrough and achievment. However, every time I go for a run outdoors within the past week, I’m encouraged by a passerby. The first time I got two thumbs up and a big grin. The second time a guy was yelling “KEEP GOING!”

The last time a stranger interrupted my running-karma was yesterday. He asked me if I could take his picture with the city’s skyline in the background. Actually, it was a good site for a photo… but I wouldn’t be the type of person you would want to flag down and touch your fancy photo equipment. I mean it was 97 degrees, full-on humidity and I was sweating from places that I didn’t know could drip sweat. He apologized for making me stop but proceeded to pose (sometimes awkwardly) for multiple captions. I hope he had a towel to clean his camera from my grubby fingers.

It’s been a good week of getting fit and receiving positive encouragement from strangers.

July in a Nutshell

It dawned on me the other day that I should do a monthly wrap up of my posts. That way I can take time to reflect on my experiences, you can keep up with my charades,  and I can build  rapport. So here is goes…

Cletus: Cletus is sitting in the front seat of an emotional roller coaster and feels that Mr. McScreamy is sitting in her head and violently yelling.

SillyGoose: I’ve turned the magical age of 31 and discovered that I am so under-radar at my office that they didn’t acknowledge my birthday.After hours of  flash-mob paranoia and planning my escape, I discovered it was all unnecessary. Red stapler anyone??

I did a health cleanse and pretty much popped pills, ate raw veggies and fruit, and drank tons of water for 5 days. I managed to meet some of my goals which was good, but overall I don’t think the cleanse was for me. I believe I met my goals because I’m a goal-oriented person not because of a silly diet. After the cleanse, I  started running and gathered 5k, 10k and marathon training programs  to map and track my athletic endeavors. In one week I  dropped 4 mins off of my “long-run” . So that’s pretty cool. I’m using exercise as a hobby to stay out of DireMole’s hairs, to get physically healthy, and as mental therapy sessions.

My parents drive me nuts. After my visit home it took me 2 weeks to recover. They appreciated my visit and I love them, but they’re crazy. On a more positive note,I’m pleased to announce that they upgraded their cell phones to smart phones. What’s so awesome about that??? They switched providers and have less minutes to burn talking to me!!

I guess my 31st year is off to a decent start.

DireMole: DireMole is not a thug. Unless you work with me… then he is. BIG TIME. But seriously, DireMole is in the mist of his dissertation and keeping busy with data. As one of my closest friends told me, “It’s a lonely time.”

PirateGoat: This month you have been introduced to my pirate-dog, Jalapeno Rubes. Offline, we watched Captain Phillips and PirateGoat claimed the movie did not portray Somalian pirates accurately. Go figure.

LevelUp: I shared with you one of my favorite go-to’s for getting rid of tasty or almost-tasty leftovers. PIE!! Always keep pie-crust on hand.